A study aired on the boob-tube news revealed that co-ed military training facilities have been facing new problems brought on by the latest wave of the post-millenium cultural/sexual revolution. There's a fire in the barracks in the bases of the nation. Recruits of all branches are routinely asked to strip and checked for fresh tattoos and piercings acquired on weekend leave in the one-horse towns where they're stationed. Female personnel are impregnated and sent home after nights of drunken fraternizing miles away from anyone who cares, thus wasting tax dollars spent in their training. Marines spread STDs like it's nobody's business; as far as they're concerned it's not. (Maybe that's why they're such a notoriously hot-blooded bunch.) Orgies are not uncommon in the on-base saunas, lesbian activity runs rampant in the gang shower rooms, and the rumors we've heard about lonely men being "ship gay" are true. Many female privates defend theirs by wearing cheap engagement rings on their fingers. It seems a fake rock is sometimes enough to deter the Southern gentlemen, at least when it comes to sober sexual advances. A coward, you see, is someone who's given the chance to do the right thing, but doesn't. Once a Marine, always a Marine, and herpes is forever.
A later segment-- nay, a snippet before commercial break-- stated that scientists have discovered that smelling a woman's tears automatically softens a man's erection due to the chemical make-up of sorrow. We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll bide our time gracefully until the cows find out that home is regretfully nowhere. Bad advice, if sincere, is still worth two in the bush: a loafer, a hypocrite, a closet sucker for the home team.
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