3.16.2007

like a simon and garfunkel song, but with less harmonies and random percussion instruments

the sixty- and seventy-degree weather earlier this week led me to believe that spring was finally here and the blustery death of winter was over, but the foot-and-a-half of snow outside sobered me up...which reminds me, i forgot to pick up some beer before holing up in my house which made for a lonesome evening. i dealt with the boredom by starting a new book and watching the "platoon" dvd i got for my birthday. it's one of my all-time favorites, even though it's one of those manly war movies, because it deals with several moral gray (only assholes spell that with an "e") areas that make for interesting drama. i can recite most of the dialogue line for line, but i refrained for the sake of my roommate. "i think now, looking back: we did not fight the enemy, we fought ourselves, and the enemy was in us." probably the most intelligent thing charlie sheen's ever said, other than "i'm firing my agent!"

what kills me is that the harder i try the harder it is to make it work. i wish it just came naturally. i know life's no storybook (thanks to mr. oberst), but throw me a freakin' bone once in awhile. sometimes it just feels like i'm wasting my time and there's something else out there for me, and i'll never know unless i take the dive; but i'll ride it out and take the chance. i've worked this hard for it for this long, it must be worth keeping. their advice is what frightens me, the stuff about people not changing and enjoying life while i'm young. am i really enjoying much of anything?, other than escaping reality in books and downing some liquid therapy now and then? it's times like this i wish i had a real father to talk to, or some sympathetic coworkers. i've noticed that i've always tended to become fond of some of the people i've worked with in the past. we develop a working relationship based on understanding our roles, start to divulge information about our personal lives when things are boring at work, and go from there. it seems like the type of person i usually gravitate towards in terms of making friends at work is the kind, jovial, easily approachable type whose been around the block enough times to be considered savvy: the kind i wish my own dad could've been. not that he isn't a nice guy with a(n awful) sense of humor; it's just that he's out of his mind in so many ways it's impossible to understand without spending a few hours with him. just ask my roommate. he got a crash course in charlie 101 when the three of us mistakenly drove to florida last thanksgiving. by the end of the trip he knew how to cope with my old man's ways, but also wanted to strangle him at times. i've never seen anyone so happy to be home in my life as my roommate was after those five long days, but at least it brought us that much closer together. he doesn't have any trouble imagining what's bugging me when my father comes up in conversation during our nightly cigarette. he knows now, and probably respects me a little more for putting up with my dad for so long and promising myself not to turn out like him. that's one of my greatest fears. don't ever tell anyone you love what those are, though. they'll throw them back at you during a heated argument when ammunition's running low and the effects last much longer than the endorphins released after the make-up sex.

i'm supposed to be going to florida for a week tomorrow, but i'm worried that my flight might get delayed or canceled because of all the snow. i haven't flown in six years, why's there have to be a blizzard the one time i really need the weather to be clear? i had a few errands to run today so when the snow started accumulating and we found out that the paychecks were no good i voted to leave work early. i was not alone in my sentiments, we all wound up going home shortly after lunch break. my foreman offered to loan me some money for my trip since we were told not to cash the checks until monday, but i respectfully declined his offer. a few other guys on the job have taken him up on it before. i don't borrow money because i don't want anyone to ever hold anything above my head or feel they have to pick up my slack. i have it in the bank and could always withdraw some cash if a check is no good (as they've tended to be every other week as of late), it's the principle that irks me. later on my foreman approached me while i was walking alone and said he really respected the fact that i never take him up on his offers even though he's always sincere about them. he started out poor in life and worked his way to where he is, he admires anyone who knows how to squeeze a dime when times are tough and won't take handouts just because they're available. it meant a lot for him to say that, considering i'm less than half his age. i guess that's why i stick around at work: i may fuck up sometimes, but i try to stick to my guns when it comes to my integrity. yeah, laugh it up.

anyway, we left work and i took my allegedly bad check to the boss' bank since they'd only be able to cash it if there was money in the account. sure enough it went through. the roads were getting pretty shitty with all the precipitation, but i had already loaded my passenger seat with scrap copper from the job in case the check didn't cash and i wanted to get rid of it. called the scrap yard in newburgh and managed to make it there before they closed, though it took a lot longer at twenty miles-per-hour. it was worth the forty-five bucks, though. like i said, the one thing i forgot to do was pick up a case of brew to keep me occupied this evening. it hit me as soon as i pulled into the driveway and i didn't feel like going back out and risking an accident. the package on my doorstep instantly raised my spirits at least. it contained the two pairs of sneakers i'd ordered the other day; at least now i'll be able to look sharp while i'm hopefully walking the warm streets of sunny southern florida. i say that, but part of me doesn't even want to go. the same part that knows better than to see how long i can hold my breath for underwater. i'm just going to try to make the best of it, it got me this far.

once every few months i get a red spot right between my eyes on the bridge of my nose. i'm pretty sure it's the result of a popped blood vessel. i'm not sure if it occurs because of mind-blowing orgasms, loaves that won't pinch easily, lifting heavy objects at work that'd give most of you hernias, or making strained faces in general. let's be safe and encompass it all by saying that it happens when i try too hard. it's time to go with the flow and let life take its course and have its way with me. i give in, in a good way (think the feather scene at the end of "forrest gump").

have a good week, folks. if you're reading this then it's for a reason and i sincerely mean have a good week. you've been my voices of reason when i've wanted to listen to the voices in my head instead. hopefully i'll have some worthy stories for you when i come back from my vacation. drink a tall one for me.





currently reading:
"death on the installment plan" by louis-ferdinand celine.

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