Proposition 27

Any decent mind would be lying if it didn't admit to pondering how to pull off the perfect crime at least once. That's what keeps most people from acting on the basest of impulses to commit sins against their fellow man: the fear of being caught. Don't let talk of moral fiber fool you; it's strictly the threat of punishment, loss, and shame that keep us in line with society's rules.

You're in a big city, say Manhattan, walking behind someone. Through some strange sixth sense they feel your presence. Out of 7 million people, you're suddenly the only one who matters. You pass them at next corner, let them see your back. Give them that false peace of mind. Men have made millions doing the same. Then, once they feel comfortable again and take the lead, you strike...

But it's not as simple as that, killer. Like any game, like any play, there are roles, characters. Each one plays an integral part, and a poor casting job in any category can strafe the plan like a Spitfire. Let me break it down.

The Donor: If you're going to do this you have to be able to justify those eyes in the mirror. Don't make a victim of the person you're about to rob. View their loss as a donation to a cause, your cause, the most honorable charity around. Sizing up the Donor is crucial. Never let it be a woman. Ordinary citizens, even the meekest of men, turn into Batman if a damsel's in distress. Now that we've narrowed it down to the less-fair sex, Does he look like he's packing heat? Is that middle-aged Hasidic gentleman going to pull a pistol from an ankle holster hidden beneath the cuff of his black slacks? It's illegal to own a firearm in the City, let alone carry it concealed. Does he look like someone who would disregard that law? Does he have too much to lose if he's caught with a piece?, or could he buy his way out of trouble? And how would he handle the Handoff? Would he chase the Runner to try to regain possession of his bag?, or is he smart enough to stick with the Picker and try to have him caught and arrested? Runner? Picker? We'll get to them, don't worry.

The Picker: This is you, pal, if you're smart. First and foremost an analyzer of men, the Picker must select the right target. Part psychologist, part ruffian, part escape artist. He must know who and when to strike, how to overpower the Donor without lethal means, and, most importantly, how to disappear once the Handoff is made. A non-descript black jacket should be worn under a vividly colored coat, maybe a hat in one pocket. Once the Handoff is made and enough distance is placed between the Picker and the Donor to allow for a quick costume change that bright coat can be ditched and the hat can be worn. Anyone looking for a man in a black jacket wearing a hat in a city as busy as Manhattan may as well cut his losses and try to figure out a way to get his charitable donation to count as another tax right-off. Meanwhile, the Picker will be riding the subway peacefully right alongside a uniformed cop on his way home from work, neither of them appearing to notice the other. That look of innocence has to be convincing.

The Runner: He doesn't have the be the brightest, just fast. If the Picker does his job correctly all the Runner will have to do is exactly what his title implies; no thinking, no dealing with a potentially hazardous situation, no split-second judgment calls. A wide receiver whose mother never loved him enough to make sure he stayed in school would be perfect. Young, dumb, and full of...you know the rest. He'll be wearing sneakers, a T-shirt and gym shorts or sweats. This will make it look like he's running home from a work-out, again relieving any suspicions. The Runner will also carry a gym bag to put the Donor's parcel in once out of sight of any immediate witnesses. This, too, disguises the crime. The Runner must be able to be trusted, possibly even a bit naive-- just smart enough to know that trying to cut the Picker out of the score will not end well for him, and loyal enough to meet up at the Rendezvous Point once the smoke has cleared.

The Rendezvous Point will not be the home of the Picker or Runner. That would raise too many questions, draw too much attention, allow for too much interference from uninvolved parties such as friends, family, and significant others. Instead they are to meet at a pre-determined movie theater where they'll each buy one ticket, cash, for the least popular film playing an hour before the reels are to roll and find seats in the back row. There, in the dimness of the theater, the Score will be divided. It's best for the Picker and Runner to meet shortly after the hit is made. Stacks of statistical anecdotes prove that a Runner in sole possession of the Donation for too much time is more likely to do something foolish. A gold-digging girlfriend may make poor suggestions, the little devil on his shoulder may get the best of him, a temporary lack of clear thinking may lead him to believe that the Picker would hesitate to hunt him down in a heartbeat. After all, he selected him as a partner in the venture with the possibility of that happening in mind. What's that they say about keeping friends close?

And then, of course, there is the inevitable. Come on, you've seen enough mob movies to know what happens in the back of that dark theater before the law-abiding patrons show up. I'll leave that part up to your imagination, though. I've laid enough out for you already. Suffice it to say that the Picker wore such a wide-brimmed hat for a reason, as security camera analysts will later find out.

It's been ten weeks since I've worked. The bills are piling up, the upcoming holidays are hard on my wallet, and I've had too much time to think.

So here it is, the obvious question:

Do I know any good sprinters who can be trusted?