Online Dating Tips, Volume One: The Beginning of the End

In honor of April Fools' Day I am posting the valuable lessons I've learned thus far in my epic foray into the terrifying hell that is Internet Dating. Thank you for all of the encouraging feedback I've received via email, text message, and random drunken pat-on-the-back at the various local watering holes we mortals stubbornly frequent. This experiment is made far less painful by knowing that others are reaping the benefits of my literal labors of love. If, by chance, you do decide to follow me into the dark, please take some of the advice listed to heart; I didn't make this stuff up out of nowhere, folks. Most of it was witnessed firsthand or learned the hard way. At some point, and I'll only know when that point is reached when I come to it, I will eject from this burning plane of an experiment with enough time to release my 'chute in the form of a compiled list of Online Dating Tips to submit as an article somewhere shameless enough to publish it. For now, friends, laugh beside me at my failure. Here's to having a sense of humor about the heart and human condition...Enjoy.

Online Dating Tip #492: No one should be judged for having children from a past relationship; but for the love of your bastard offspring, don't post pictures of them in your profile. There's a spot in the questionnaire for this information. Why subject your kid to the shame of being taken along for the internet dating ride? That'll only reserve you spots in a nursing home and hell, both of which you'll deserve.

Online Dating Site Tip #339: Don't list some random, WPS (White People Shit) hobby for the sake of seeming interesting. You like camping? Passing out drunk on your friend's couch doesn't count. Look, horseback riding! You rode a carousel twenty years ago, big deal. The beach? Last time I checked we were landlocked. Gas is $4/gallon. Unless you have a magic carpet I'm staying home. Give it up. We're all pretty boring.

Online Dating Site Tip #164: Don't post too many pics. An overzealous attempt leads to failure. The odds of someone so pathetic as to resort to 'net dating being photogenic are slim. Listen up, Myspace tricksters of yore (you know what camera angle I'm talking about): delete the date stamp. If your last good shot was taken four years ago you've probably taken a turn for the worse. But I can keep a secret if you can.

Online Dating Site Tip #238: If the recipient of your message does not respond it's merely because they read your profile, saw how amazing you are, realized they could never be enough for someone of your caliber, and decided to bow out for fear of wasting the time of such an eligible bachelor(-ette). No, really. It's not that they don't like you.

Online Dating Tip #74: When the cheerleader/quarterback rejected your prom date invitation, how did you cope? Did you pursue it to the point of humiliation? No, you went home and masturbated. Don't change the gameplan now, at least when it comes to moving on. Follow-up messages to already ignored pleas for validation only put you that much closer to restraining order status. Take it from me. I've been blocked. Twice.

Online Dating Tip #28: If you find out a same-sex friend has stooped as low as you have by creating a dating site profile in a sad attempt to fill the void don't search for it or ask for the link. This is akin to glancing over the fiberglass divider between urinals in a public restroom. If you want to see a sad excuse for a penis just look in the mirror. You, friend, have done this to yourself.

Online Dating Tip #170: Posting a group shot is not a terrible idea. Proof that you are not a reclusive ax murderer couldn't hurt. Keep in mind that guilt by association is a very real thing (See also: poor roommate selection) when choosing which friends you want to admit to having. Make sure you are the most appealing specimen, at least in that particular photo, unless you want to be asked for someone else's number.

Online Dating Tip #27: Let's talk about sugar-coating, euphemisms, softening the blow. Social drinker? Raging alcoholic. Occasional smoker? Drug addict. Few extra pounds? Morbidly obese. Undecided about children? Men: I'm neutered. Women: I want eight kids. Not into intimate encounters? Women: I'm a recovering whore. Men: I'm hiding my intentions. Be honest. Anything less is a waste of time, not to mention bandwidth.

Online Dating Tip #151: Alcohol mixes poorly with first impressions, especially when it comes to maintaining an air of respectability. Laying in your skivvies while decimating a liter of rum and sending potential suitors overly sincere introductory emails may sound like a great idea, but be warned: the shame you experience upon reading your outbox the next morning will be the only thing to rival your wicked hangover.

Online Dating Tip #243: If you "poke", "wink at", or "want to meet" someone and they ignore your limp-spined attempt to make contact don't send an email, too. Back when you bothered with foreplay did you try to steal Third Base after having your hand swatted away from Second? No. Why try to run across the field like a nutjob now? Cut your losses, take better pics, remove lame hobbies from your profile, and move on.

Online Dating Tip #244: Doling out rejection is your chance to play God. Don't ruin it by avenging your teenage acne catastrophes. If someone contacts you and you're not interested don't respond. That way, when you finally realize you're going to have to settle, you can tell the truth: You were in Cambodia helping amputee orphans and didn't feel you could dedicate enough time and attention to such a special person.

Online Dating Tip #57: Here are some signs that you've found a nympho, be that good or bad. Very athletic = Can put my ankles behind my ears. Like to have fun = Put out on the first date. Very understanding = Won't be mad if you come prematurely. Like to cuddle = Like to cuddle after awkward sex with a stranger so I don't have flashbacks of whatever terrible experience turned me into a raging sexfiend.

Online Dating Tip #44: If you honestly believe that the survey that whichever site you've sold your soul to actually gets entered into some brilliant information-analyzing database to compile a list of appropriate matches based on your answers then you've also probably tried to chat back with the webcam girl pop-up ads that were brought to your monitor courtesy of your favorite porn sites. Don't play dumb now, champ.

Online Dating Tip #32: Don't show up to your first "real" date wasted from a redneck family birthday party. If the person you've disrespected by appearing in said state suggests rescheduling, take them up on the fake offer to end any further shame. If you lack the common sense to do this, at least remove your Bluetooth earpiece while sitting across from them over coffee. Never order watermelon at a diner. True story.

Online Dating Tip #33: Telling your date "They made me put pants on before leaving the house" may raise some questions. Following it up with "I had a miniskirt on" will raise some eyebrows. But insisting upon "a need for ventilation downstairs" thrice in an hour will certainly earn you this snide remark: "Do you have a condition I should know about?" Where do these people come from? Walden, via Missouri. FML.

Online Dating Tip #98: You post a pic of a textual tattoo you have. Someone emails you citing the source of the quotation, then goes into an analysis of its possible meaning. You probably shouldn't respond with "I just got those words 'cause they sounded good. I assumed I'd figure it out later." This happened, too. Lyric: "Love is watching someone die." More people in the online dating world need to be that someone.

Online Dating Tip #73: If a SMILF (Single Mom I'd Like...) you're trying to seduce asks if you have siblings don't say "No, I was a mistake." This one gets a good laugh from most people, but may not fly with a woman whose firstborn was a result of wing night at the bar. It's bad enough this kid's picture is on mom's dating profile. Don't add insult to injury by pointing out the fact that neither of you were planned.


Online Dating Tip #64: Don't copy/paste your hobbies from what you've seen on "Jersey Shore". Gym/Tan/Laundry is not the mantra of champions, it's a sad slogan for unoriginal people to apply to their boring lives. Clubbing is something that pederasts do to seals to curb the urge, not a hobby you'll be sharing with someone for decades as you try to beat the beat up without breaking a hip. Fetch my grenade whistle.

Online Dating Tip #68: If you ask a girl what her routine is and she says anything to the effect of "First I spin around on the pole, then I take the rest off, twirl some more, and finally crawl around collecting singles," you've probably met a stripper. This isn't always a bad thing, depending on your goals, but don't plan on taking her home to mom, discussing literature, or having clothes sans lavender and glitter.

Online Dating Tip #219: Don't waste time talking to people from more than twenty miles away. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, but you have no need for separation from human contact if you've sunk this low. Keep your sites local for the sake of that late-night booty call which you'll barely be sober enough to make. Besides, it's not stalking if you always just happen to be at the grocery store you both use.

Online Dating Tip #6: Mentioning sex in your profile is akin to bringing up wrecks at a racetrack: Everyone's there for the same reason, there's no need to advertise. Most of us also seek love, companionship, permission to pass gas after Mexican sans judgment (only in a well-ventilated room), but we're also tired of using our hands and/or battery-operated devices to ensure that we don't go on hormonal killing sprees.

Online Dating Tip #80: Trying to pick someone up at a bar is like checkers. It's fast-paced, straight-forward, and relatively inconsequential. Email flirtation, on the other hand, is like chess. Moves are deliberate and planned, possible responses must be considered before committing to a play, and tactics must be honed through trial by fire if success is desired. Feel free to tip your martyr for his painful legwork.

Online Tip #42: Please post one focused, well-lit body shot. Suggesting that you don't exist from the shoulders down implies that you don't think I exist from the neck up. I know that you know that I know what you're hiding, tubby. Maybe it's time you stop lying to yourself and the rest of the Online Dating World. Find less sedentary hobbies than playing poker with cupcakes as chips, like training for triathlons.

Online Dating Tip #62: If you're a woman who needs things fixed at home please wait until after the third date (or a foolishly premature consummation) to ask for any manly favors that don't involve a bed. Yes, I can fix your sink and dabble in electrical. Need some spackling done? I'm no artist, but I have a friend who can for a fair fee. Keep in mind that although men are useful for repairs nothing in life is free.

Online Dating Tip #464: It must be hard to be a trophy specimen with so many desirable applicants, but refrain from talking to more than three people at once. Let the herd thin before replacing more potential exes with new contestants, otherwise you'll forget what you've told whom...not that you to need to worry since you're telling the truth about your weight, your accomplishments, and your criminal record. Right?

Online Dating Tip #591: Millions of people enjoy recreational activities in oceans, lakes, rivers, and streams. Some of those uncomfortable with the chance of bacterial infection and/or animal attacks opt for swimming pools instead. These are valid interests that may help define you as a person, but remember: Don't mention being into water sports in your profile unless you plan on attracting a special breed of freak.