Don't threaten me with a good time.

Dave and I had already been there
working on the boiler for two hours
when he found the poor thing.
He was kneeling in the corner of
the basement and let out a yell that sounded
like it came from a frightened schoolgirl.
It was so feminine that he probably would've
paid a substantial sum of money
to hide all evidence of it having happened
from our brother members.
Even plumbers have fears.

"You're afraid of a little snake, Dave?"
I asked after my laughter had died down.

"Didn't used to be. Not taking any chances."
He was riffling through my tool bucket in search
of something with which to hit the coiled up garter.
It didn't seem right.

"Don't kill it. I'll catch it."

"And do what with it?"

"Let it go outside."

"Fine, but if you try to catch it
and it escapes in here
you can work in this corner all day."
The sincerity in his voice was matched by
his raised eyebrow. For a grown man
he sure was acting like a little girl.
They're not even poisonous.
Snakes, I mean.

My tape measure served as a good
instrument to use to prod the terrified snake.
It snapped at its metal hook a few times
and refused to be goaded into the pail
I was holding in front of it. Getting sick of the charade
I found a rag and used that to grab it.
Dave peered down into the bucket with disgust
after I caught the snake. The hammer in his hand
twitched with the remnants of the dose of adrenaline
his initial scare had afforded him.

I've never understood people who kill things
for getting in their way, much less out of unjustified fear.
I've never really understood people at all, truth be told.
I suppose I'd be worried if I did.

Dave followed me outside to watch me free the captive.
He hadn't put the hammer down yet, it was starting
to worry me a bit.

"Not here. Keep walking," he said
when I went to tip the bucket in the back yard.
"It might slither up my hose if you set it free
too close to the house."

The green garden hose we'd run out from
the basement to drain the old boiler
prior to removing it was a good ten feet to my left.
My friend's fear was legitimate. I felt bad.

We watched it disappear into some tall grass.
"Thanks," Dave said. "I'm glad I didn't have to kill it."
He flipped the hammer around and caught it
in mid-air by the head, then turned and walked
back towards the house with long, even strides.

A few hours later we were done piping the boiler.
Dave's specialty was wiring and he was about
to show me just how great he was at it-- that is until
he opened up the electrical box on the wall and jumped back
with that same shrill shriek.

"Now what?" I asked.

"Look at those black wires with the yellow stripes."

He was right, they did resemble smaller versions
of our reptilian friend.

"No hammer this time, OK?"

When the customer returned home three hours later
Dave made reference to the day's capture.
"No extra charge for snake removal, Mrs. Cho."

"What you mean?" she asked with a gasp.

"My partner here got rid of one he found in the corner."

Mrs. Cho nodded in silent appreciation. Then she
asked whom to make the cheque out to.
"Dave Bush Maintenance," my partner said.

"Spell that, prease," replied Mrs. Cho.

Dave looked mortified for the third time that day.
"D-A-V-E, B-U-S-H," he recited as he fumbled through
his pocket. "M-A-I-N-T-E-N-A-N-C-E," he read
from the business card his wife had printed up for him.
Arlene was clearly the brains of the operation.

"That word always messes me up," he explained
after Mrs. Cho had walked out of the room.

"She's from a foreign country. What's your excuse?"

"I'm a plumber, Shakespeare," Dave responded.
"More of a plumber than you'll ever be."

I couldn't have agreed more.