Today I paid
a woman and a man
to undo the will of God.
As usual, one of my
insurance companies
was also involved.
"You're here for scrape
and burn," she declared
from the professional tone
associated with her scrubs.
(Don't worry
she wasn't my type.)
"You should really call it
something else," I quipped.
"It sounds like torture that way."
She broke out the technical term
with which I won't bore you
fourth wall be damned.
The doctor entered
and took a few photos
of my face with his iPad
like a pervert
for before & after records
in a medical file
that'll outlive me
with more grace
then proceeded to numb
six places on my face
citing the slight pinch
as though his hands
weren't as soft as
the butter on my kitchen counter
in these dog days of August.
He suggested that I close my eyes
and his assistant turned on a light
fit for interrogation, its brightness
piercing my eyelids
like the end of that alleged tunnel.
I felt slight pressure
heard a quick sizzle
and smelled cooking pork.
I'd learned that aroma
twenty-two years ago
after foolishly grabbing
a screw that'd been heated
by the drill I'd used to remove it.
Men are pigs, according to
my social media newsfeed
so the correlation checked out.
This diabolical duo
finished removing the tiny cancers
from my most visible skin
and applied round bandages
to half of the wounds.
"You can cover them all.
I get weird looks in public regardless."
Unaffected by my sophomoric humor
they ignored my statement
and advised me to stay out of the sun
while healing, like I wouldn't
have done so anyway.
The receptionist took my card
for payment and begrudinginly
printed a receipt
to stay in my good graces.
I left the practice with a fresh haircut
surrounding the face of a leper
and felt fine
until I found and returned the wallet
of a kid that had scurried out
ahead of me in the parking lot
and was irritated for the first time this week
when he didn't make eye contact
let alone thank me.
"Limited sunlight
for seven-to-ten days."
You've got it, Doc.
They lied and said a leopard
can't change its spots.
