Why I could never be a journalist.

The City of Newburgh Courthouse renovation job I'm on right now has been shrouded by a thin layer of hushed controversy for the past several months due to an alleged planning blunder. While having trenches dug for the underground piping last spring, someone noticed a bone laying in a heap of dirt that had been excavated by one of the machines. It appeared to be human so a forensics unit showed up on the job. No one knew at first if it was part of the remains of Jimmy Hoffa or a buried mafia hit or some other victim of foul play, but further analysis proved it to come from a far older source: an African American buried in the 1800s. A halt was ordered on all underground work on the site as authorities and politicians tried to decide what to do. An archaeological team was called upon to conduct a proper dig, and its findings have been pretty incredible. To date, there have been seventy-something more bodies uncovered at the corner of Broadway and Route 9W in the City of Newburgh, and no one supposedly knew they were there.

Why?, you may ask. How could this cemetery be so easily forgotten, and even have a massive building erected on top of it a hundred years ago? People claim it was a mix-up due to a lack of records, but the answer is far more cut and dry than those in power want to admit: it was a Black burial ground that was simply abandoned when the time came for it to be convenient. All of the skeletons found so far have been of African American individuals from families who were probably too poor to afford proper burial in the large cemetery on Prospect Street around the corner. One ribcage had remnants of Civil War medals in it, the hero who earned them ignored to the point of disrespecting his final resting place by building right on top of him. Archaeologists uncovered an entire row of bodies protruding from underneath the concrete footing of the original building. The people who poured the foundation a hundred years ago must've realized what was there, they just chose to turn their heads. But they're not the only ones to blame; a gas main installed as recently as the late 1970s was placed right through the torso of another skeleton. So why now are the right measures being taken to exhume the bodies by the book? Is it because of the politically correct time we live in where everyone's afraid of a scandal? Is it because there's a Black man running for president whom the State of New York does not want to anger by being so insensitive? Is it because the City is now receiving additional funds from the State to put towards the construction of the building since the job has been held up so long by the research process?

No. It's because fat lesbians who were misled by Harrison Ford's most beloved role wasted their time majoring in Archaeology at various schools around the area and then needed jobs. That's right, you heard me. The entire team of "researchers" hunched over in the dirt all day is composed of large-style females in their early twenties who definitely played on the girls softball team at some point or another. All day long for months on end they've been scraping away at the ground with paint brushes and trowels and whisk brooms and toothpicks, all at the expense of our almighty tax dollar. And for what? Why should college students be paid by the state to take on such an important task? Shouldn't they be sent on a less important dig of some sort, something where a metaphysical hard-on would be obtained upon finding a mere shard of glass or piece of pottery? Some people in the field probably go their entire careers without uncovering a body, let alone an entire grave site. Why should these kids have the honor of taking on a task so serious just barely out of school? And again, as always, the answer is the same: money.

That's not to say that Joe Blow the Archaeologist makes all the dough in the word; no, he is not capable of balling out of control quite as much as, say, a proud union pipefitter. But still, a person who's been in the business for awhile, probably a college professor with a few books under his belt, would definitely cost more to employ for said endeavor. You'd think they'd leave the big stuff for the seasoned veterans, but instead these obese man-haters are waddling around with neatly labeled bags of bone fragments laughing all the way to the bank while some poor bastard who had a hard enough life a century-and-a-half ago is rolling over in his would-be grave at the thought of being the fun little project of some college kid still wet behind the ears. Where's the respect in that? I watched them do their thing through a second-story window a few times this week and was not impressed. The laughing and general sense of cheer among the girls seems just a touch inappropriate considering their task, and I also know a hangover when I see one. I want misery! I want sobriety! Yes, sometimes the two can go hand-in-hand! And besides, one girl was digging around a femur with one of those white plastic spoons used for wonton soup, just like the one I have at home that I stole from the sushi joint down the road, and I'm not sure if I can ever use that sucker again.

What was the point of all this? I didn't really contradict myself, if that's what you're thinking: I'm not saying our precious tax money should not fund such projects or that we should've continued building on top of the bones. I just think that we should possibly hire people with a few more years of experience under their proverbial belts for something as critical as a cemetery exhumation. Seeing seven skeletons of various sizes and states of decomposition the other day really got me to thinkin'. I could very well be a pile of brown bones someday, ribs collapsed on top of each other and skull crushed due to compaction (yes, even my enormous head will someday succumb to gravity and the elements). A rotund carpet muncher who looks like the lost Belushi brother could possibly end up exposing my remains with a toothbrush and dumping them into a nicely labeled paper bag. Well balls to that, my friend! I now want to be cremated. Well, not now...but you know, when the time comes. I suggest you do the same. The whole 'dead' thing will suck enough, no need to add such violation to the equation.