(epic) blog fail

left eye's been having spasms
more and more frequently
for the last few days.
when it happens it feels like
there's a maggot trying
to squirm its way
from under my eyelid.
unpleasant, though probably harmless.
sight slightly distorted, blurred
depth perception thrown off a bit
and it vanishes as abruptly as it came.
chris says it's a lack of potassium
but i say it's a lack of soul
and besides, us puerto ricans
fry the nutrients right out of our bananas.

couldn't sleep last night, circadian rhythm's
been thrown way off by the unpredictable
schedule i've had since the lay-off.
sleep til eleven, read, rub one out, write
if i'm lucky, read again, brush my teeth
avoid putting pants on at all costs.
but last night it wasn't just the redundancy
that kept me up, it was him.
and what kind of wife, what kind of woman
must he have found if she can't convince him
to do the right thing and pick up the goddamn phone?
i tried the pen, it didn't work. it's his turn.
not holding my breath.

and when i finally did doze off
i dreamt i was at the bar and my coworkers were there
but i couldn't allow myself to have fun because
there was a gas manifold i had to work on
and tom and dave were shaking their heads
at my failure, two of my three surrogate fathers
who secretly fight for the right to call me son
and even when the bartenders' shirts came off
and tom started dancing and singing with the band
i couldn't be distracted from those damn pipes and fittings
that will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life
laughing all the way to the bookstore.

rest in peace, rizzo.
you couldn't have saved that cowboy anyway.
he'll get his kicks on route 66.
what does that even mean?
nothing. it was just a great book
from an unsung hero.
more books than heroes these days.
fuck it, i'd settle for a peer.

(30 views today
and i haven't even posted lately. the regulars
have already had their fix last time
so that tells me this one's new.
that means i've been 'discovered'
again, another person clicking away
at the life of a stranger, a voyeur.
it's almost as sick
as the fact that i analyze it.
you hide behind your monitor
i'll hide behind mine
and we'll call it even.)

i give up. i'm forcing it tonight.
you can't take a shit
if your guts are empty.