1.02.2009

Squirrels in the bird-feeder, and other catastrophic phenomena.

Someone once took the unnecessary liberty of sharing
a conspiracy theory with me about jets by
claiming that those white cloud-like streaks
you see in their wakes tens-of-thousands of feet
in the sky are actually vapor trails laden with chemical agents
intentionally dispersed via airplane by the Government(s) in an effort
to keep people from evolving and smartening up enough
to overthrow the corrupt leadership of the world.
As if that nugget was not priceless enough
this person went on to inform me that in China
where this Big Brother-esque act is not practiced
the human brain has already started to grow in size
and complexity thus demonstrating said evolution.
To that I say "Great!" since maybe the next boatload will remember
to throw my goddamn soy sauce in the bag as requested.
Get back to me if the slant-eyes learn how to shrink heads instead.

Then there's the one about the world ending in the
Two Thousand Twelfth Year of Our Lord.
And why? Oh please let me tell you:
Because that's when the Mayan calendar ends.
It seems a tad illogical to take heed
regarding time's alleged limitations from an extinct people
especially since if their ears were so close to the ground
they would have foreseen the demise of their civilization
and not bothered to trouble the rest of us with their woes
by creating a calendar that would long outlive their own society.
That poor bastard who wasted away countless years
adding and writing all of those hieroglyphic dates and figures
while sweating his sack off in a straw hut in Central America
really chose the wrong career considering none of his kin
would ever live to see the fruits of his labor.
The futility of the act reminds me of the time
I rubbed one out with a rubber on in junior high
just to see how it would feel to finally get that far in the game
though a trial run in something as infinite as Time
seems considerably more obtuse.

But no it gets better as long as you have the time to listen.
Remember that groundbreaking multi-installment
movie franchise which shall go unnamed for copyright purposes?
I've actually had people tell me with a straight face
that scientists have indeed drilled into the crystallized remains
of mosquitoes' asses frozen forever inside tombs of ancient amber
in search of the DNA which will in fact lead to the reproduction
of the leviathan lizards that once roamed the earth.
I commend the sheer audacity of this one considering
the same people who haven't yet been enlightened to this gimmick
via Hollywood are the same twelve incredibly sheltered wastes of ATP
that they pulled out from under their own pet rocks in order to serve
as diligently ignorant jurors in the (first) O.J. Simpson trial.
Can we please be spared all the boring Jeff Goldblum banter this time
or at least warn me when it's coming so I can sneak out
of the theater to go take a leak like I did in the previous renditions?

Then there's the faction that still chooses to believe that
that poor man with those sad heavy eyes was convinced to decorate
his lovely wife and convertible Caddy with his brains that day in '63
by a Communist ex-Marine with a vivid imagination
and a Russian rifle so inferior to the technology of the time
that the shot itself would have been close to impossible to make
from the vantage point where he was accused of writing history

and if you believe that one then let me tell you a sad little story
about a snake in a tree that managed to sell an apple
to some naked broad in a garden somewhere back in the days before
satellite TV could keep those thunder-thighs glued to the couch...

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