On suicide doors, and crimes worse than re-gifting.

I keep running into Fyodor Dostoyevsky
in public places. The long wool coat
the fuzzy black beard, the sad eyes of One who Knows:
I can't take them anymore. The man's been lying
in a grave in Mother Russia somewhere
for almost a century-and-a-half now
so it bothers me that I've recently been stalked by him
in bookstores and steakhouses, especially
since I'm not sure which is more appropriate.
In case he's out there reading this, too
I've prepared some choice words as follows:

You wrote some good stuff, old man.
You taught me a timeless thing or two
about human nature, the drive behind us.
Now die again already.
(You won't, I know.)
I guess Bukowski was more correct
than he ever could've imagined
when he listed you
as one of the Immortals.
That firing squad didn't stand a chance.

-----

There, that's out of my system.
On to the rest, the "more of the same" section
of the menu that keeps reeling the same fish in
time after time like a lure that never loses its shine.



I've discovered the going rate of Heavenly admission.
Those Salvation Army bell-ringers at the grocery stores
have a monopoly on the racket.
It only costs them a few frozen weeks
of "God bless you, brother"-ing and fake smiles.
Perks, other than eternal bliss with our Maker, include
eight bucks-an-hour, plus all the loose change
and crumpled singles they can bring themselves
to pilfer from the red bucket dangling from the tripod.
As cynical as I am I always empty my left pocket
just in case it's not a scam.
Just know that I'm onto you, I won't be fooled
by a Santa hat and a few memorized verses.
If my father couldn't brainwash me with his barrage
of Biblical baloney, you can't con the coins from me.



But enough of that bah humbuggery.
It's road signs and mailboxes
uprooted by the snowplows
that form the true beauty of the season.
That, and having someone else
to wrap your presents for you
since you always manage to mangle them--
corners protruding, too much tape holding
too little together; the gift that keeps on giving.
Enjoy it.
Enjoy it, or someone else will for you.