Nothing like a dick joke to ruin social commentary.

So I'm well fed, or at least full, and that's given me the gumption to rant a little. Tonight's topic: hypocrisy in the penal system (hold it together, Peanut Gallery); or, more specifically: questionably minor sexual offences (insert statutory joke here) such as indecent exposure. Please allow me to elaborate, as I'm sure I have to after such a brazen statement. As per usual I'll utilize a setting I'm unfortunate enough to know and know well: the construction site. (I'm sorry in advance-- I know you're all so sick of it, but I stick to what I know these days.) Allow me to give you two scenarios, both of which are quite true.

A: A carpenter is on a new site just after ground has been broken during a brisk autumn. He's assembling forms for a concrete foundation across from a school, a back-breaking job that's made even harder by the fact that there are no barriers built yet, i.e. walls, to break the wind. Towards the end of the day he unbuckles his belt, unzips his fly, and tucks his shirt back into his jeans in order to keep the cold from creeping up on him.

B: A (proud union) pipefitter and his (charmingly handsome) apprentice walk into a men's room on the college campus where they're working. There's already a large African-American student using one of the two urinals, which are located in close proximity to each other in the back realm of the bathroom. Said plumber's apprentice cringes with uncomfort on behalf of said black kid when said plumber opts to use the other urinal instead of using one of the three available toilet stalls. Old fitter whips it out and lets fly, student turns awkwardly towards corner for duration of relief session, apprentice tries hard not to laugh at blatant indecency and ignorance of the First Law of the Unwritten Man Code: Thou shalt not present thy Schlong to another dude at all costs, especially while talking or making eye contact. All parties leave bathroom relatively unscathed, though not entirely unaffected.

Both situations are real. One of them, however, landed a man a night in county lock-up. He also has to register as a sex offender now. Take a wild guess which one it is.

If you answered B, you have a very weak grasp of the role of irony in foreshadowing and can probably drool your way into the building trades alongside yours truly.

If you answered A, you're pickin' up what I'm layin' down regarding the unfairness of some laws. That poor carpenter was only trying to make himself more comfortable by doing what many people do several times a day. The only difference is that he loosened his jeans and tucked his shirt in across from a school. An anal retentive teacher saw the brief act through a window and called the police who then came and arrested the man for indecent exposure. Call me crazy, but isn't standing oddly close to another man while urinating (with no dividers, or "cock-blocks" as I like to call them, between urinals) more offensive? Granted, I know that the obvious argument is the age issue; the carpenter could have been seen by a child under the age of consent, whereas the plumber was standing next to a basketball player, I mean "college student." Still, I don't see how any judge would choose to ignore the circumstantial aspect of the case. An innocent gesture noticed by a teacher with a long neck versus a typical case of an old man not caring who sees his shriveled pecker anymore. Is one instance honestly worse than the other? And if so, do either warrant such stringent repercussions as legal action and sex offender status? I just don't understand the rationale, folks. The fact that I can practically see the awful headlines like "Local construction worker caught with pants down" only makes it worse. I don't know the details of the outcome of the case and its aftermath, but I hope that man appealed.

At least now I know to go straight to a stall if I ever enter a lavatory with my foreman again.

Newsflash: It's a sick sad world and no one's going to make sure you've got your Swimmies on before you're thrown into the cesspool of reality. Or as I prefer to put it, as my road-tested mantra goes: "Ration your ammo, the cavalry isn't coming."

Over and out, Ollie.